The Camping Trip; Part Three

"The Camping Trip" is a five day series, consisting of five different parts, to be presented daily--the 18th to the 22nd--from five different vantage points. If you get behind, don't worry because they'll be on here for good. If you want to get ahead, you're out of luck, because I'm making this up as I go. This is Part Three. If you haven't read Part One or Two they are directly below. Enjoy.

LEO
Saturday morning was pleasant. I woke up soaking wet—two inches of rainwater on the bottom of my tent. It didn’t make any sense. It hadn’t leaked once in the five years I owned it. I unzipped the door, peeked outside, and saw that it didn’t work because it wasn’t on my tent—it was over the other one. Pretty funny joke on me, I guess. Then I heard whispering from the other tent.
“I think he’s up…”
Then a female and male voice chuckled.
“I bet he’s soaked.”
Laughing again.
I got out of the tent and walked to Bengi’s truck to get my bag—at least it would be dry, I thought. I opened the passenger door and grabbed it. It was sopping. I looked at the door, and the window was rolled down six inches. So I removed my swim trunks, put them on, and hung the rest of my clothes over a makeshift clothesline.
To say the least, I was pissed off by that point. So I built a fire and took the eggs and bacon out of the cooler. I made breakfast with a caste iron skillet, and ate whatever bits of burnt bacon and scrambled eggs I could scrape off the bottom. Then I went on a hike.
When I got back everyone was ready to go canoeing. A bus came by and picked us up at our site, then drove us to the launch point about fourteen miles up the river. I cooled down by then. It helped that Smitty packed the cooler full of beer and Captain Morgan, not to mention, he wasn’t talking to Mandy at all, so I had a source for conversation.
At the launch site there were canoes and kayaks. I asked for two canoes, and then Alyssa barged in. She wanted a kayak. She said that having three people in a canoe was stupid. I figured she might want to share a canoe with Bengi. She didn’t like the suggestion. I told her I didn’t like waking up in two inches of water, but it happened. Anyway, she always had to have her way, so I let it go. Mandy refused to share a canoe with Smitty, so she jumped in Bengi’s. I didn’t mind sharing a canoe with Smitty; he had the cooler of beer.
So we walked down to the muddy shore, carefully put the cooler in the middle, and then launched into the muddy river. As soon as we got on the water I felt a calm come over me. There was something really soothing about the feeling of weightlessness and the ice-cold beer between my legs. Then, as soon as my mind was at ease, my world was turned upside down. Literallly. As I rose out of the waist high water I could hear them laughing. Once I got the water out of my eyes I could see Smitty trudging away from the canoe. Bengi started yelling at me to get the beer. “Save the beer!” he screamed. I flipped the canoe, while telling everyone within shouting distance to go “f” themselves, grabbed the cooler that was floating away and retrieved nearly every one of the 30 Natty Lights.
I had a meltdown—by every means—I admit it. But put yourself in my shoes. Can you blame me? My tarp was stolen from me in the middle of the night, because I didn’t want to stay up getting drunk while two people fought like starving pigs, and the other two made wise cracks on my behalf. But I let it go, despite waking up in two inches of water, and all of my stuff ruined. Then my breakfast charred to a crisp because Bengi had brought my old skillet—not the one I had bought the day before we left. Then I’m told that I’m an idiot because I think that having three people in a canoe is totally fine. Then…when I’m finally at peace, I’m flipped into cold dirty water, and my partner, Smitty, jumped ship at the first sign of discomfort—literally.
So when I emerged from that water and saw Alyssa laughing her little ass off I really couldn’t control myself. I trudged directly at her, grabbed a hold of the bottom of her kayak, and flipped it. She came up screaming, but I didn’t care. I just hopped into the kayak, paddled over to the canoe with the cooler, grabbed six beers, and I left all of them.
The final thirteen miles of that trip, alone in the kayak, with nothing but the beer and water and sky above me, was the only enjoyable time I spent on that camping trip.

MANDY
I woke up in the backseat of Mark’s car on Saturday morning. I wasn’t sleeping anywhere near him. All we did was fight on Friday night. I thought he would’ve learned his lesson when I threw his bag in the river. I felt bad about his phone and i-Pod, but I didn’t know they were in there. If he would’ve just apologized and acted like a decent guy I would’ve accepted his apology and let the whole thing go. But instead he started drinking. That’s his solution to everything—he starts getting drunk.
I didn’t eat anything at all before we left for the canoe trip. I took one look at the eggs and bacon Mark made and I lost my appetite. I didn’t even want to go canoeing. I just wanted to take a hot shower, wash my hair, put on clean clothes, and watch TV. Instead, I was stuck in honky tonk hell with a bunch of drunken idiots.
When we got to the place where they gave us the canoes I refused to share one with Mark. I was going to share one with Leo, but I’m glad I picked Bengi. If I would’ve been in that canoe when Bengi and Alyssa tipped Leo and Mark I would’ve demanded to go home immediately. Leo went bezerk and I can’t entirely blame him. He took the kayak and left. I wish I would’ve had a kayak, because I would’ve left, too.
So, somehow I got stuck with Mark in a canoe after all. Thirteen miles is a long way in a canoe. So I figured it would be a good time for Mark and I to talk. He did act like an idiot sometimes, but I loved him. I wouldn’t have been with him for an entire year if I didn’t.
“Can we talk about things?” I asked him.
“About what?” he said as he took a swig from his beer.
“About us. It’s our one year anniversary today and I don’t want to fight.”
“Here,” he said, trying to hand me a beer.
“I don’t want a beer,” I said. “I wanna talk.”
“Well, I don’t wanna listen.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means I don’t wanna be given a lecture.”
“What?”
Did I hear him correctly, I thought. Now he was trying to say I was controlling.
“Just drink some beer and pick up your oar. Have you never been on a canoe before?”
“No. I haven’t.”
“It shows.”
“You’re a drunk, did you know that?”
“Yep,” he said, like it didn’t even bother him.
“This is the biggest day of our relationship so far, and you’re gonna drink all day.”
“Hopefully until I can’t remember it,” he said and finished his beer. He reached back and grabbed another.
“That’s your solution to everything, isn’t it?”
“Yep,” he said and cracked open his beer.
“You know who you’re like?”
“Nope…and I don’t really care.”
“You’re just like your father. A miserable drunk!”
“Yep.” He still seemed unfazed.
“I should learn something from your mother and leave you before it’s too late.”
I knew it was a low blow when it left my mouth, but what could I do, he wasn’t responding to anything else.
“What’d you say?” he said and hopped out of the canoe. I went flailing into the water. I stood up and I thought he was going to choke me.
“I’m sorry…I didn’t mean it,” I said, pleading with him—crying by now.
“Well, you shouldn’t have said it,” he said, immediately calming down. I thought maybe it was enough to knock some sense into the two of us. Maybe now we could start talking things through.
“Enjoy the walk back,” he said as he got into the canoe.
“What? You’re not leaving me.”
“It’ll give you plenty of time to think about what you just said.”
Then he started rowing away—grabbing every floating beer he could reach on the way.
“Get back here!” I screamed.
He didn’t stop.
I trudged over to the bank of the river, sat on a log and cried. How could this happen? It was our anniversary. One year since he stood behind me at Starbucks and ordered the same drink—Venti Iced Mocha with Peppermint and non-fat milk. I knew it was meant to be at that moment. I didn’t have the courage to approach him until then, and we’ve been together ever since. Now things were falling apart.
Finally, Bengi and Alyssa came rowing down the river—laughing and having a ball of a time. I got into their canoe and rode back with them. I wanted to have fun with them, but I couldn’t. They reminded me too much of what two people should be like after dating a year.

SMITTY
I tried apologizing to Mandy when I woke up on Saturday. I even made her breakfast in bed. Granted, her bed was the backseat of my car, but there was a perfectly good spot next to me in the tent that she didn’t want to use. She took one look at the plate of scrambled eggs and bacon and said she wasn’t hungry. I remembered what my old man told me one time. He said, if you and your lady get in a fight, make her breakfast in bed…if she eats it the fight’s over…if she doesn’t, start drinking and before you know it she’ll have forgotten all about it.
So I started drinking. We had two cases of beer and no one to drink it. Alyssa only drank wine—by the gallon, mind you, and Bengi was only drinking Captain Morgan’s that weekend. Leo was nowhere to be found until the bus came by and took us to the canoe launch.
I don’t really remember a whole lot past that point. I remember our canoe being tipped, hurrying like hell to the other one, and Leo in absolute meltdown mode. Then it all pretty much goes black. I guess I wound up canoeing the trip by myself, because I woke up at the bank of the river, next to our campsite, with ten or eleven empty Natty Light cans around my feet. It was still light out but I had no idea where I was until Leo grabbed me and took me up to the tent. I really have to stop drinking on an empty stomach.

BENGI
It was a good thing Alyssa went on that trip. The whole thing would’ve been boring without her. Leo was in a pissy mood since we got there, and Smitty and Mandy wouldn’t stop arguing. The entire night Alyssa and I had to listen to them bicker at each other while we sat around the fire. In my opinion, Leo needed a Xantax, Smitty needed to stop drinking so much, and Mandy needed to start drinking a little more—then everyone might meet somewhere in the middle.
I couldn’t get over how much fun Alyssa was, though. She’s the perfect girl. She’s hardly ever in a bad mood; she doesn’t have weird hormonal rages like other girls; she takes everything with a grain of salt; and she’s game to drink and laugh all the time. I want to take credit for it, because it’s hilarious, but I have to give her the credit for the prank.
We were sitting around the fire on Friday night—around 2 AM—when it started raining. Mandy was sleeping in Smitty’s car, Smitty was passed out in a lawn chair next to us, and Leo had already been asleep in his tent since about Ten. Both tents should’ve had a rain tarp, but Smitty forgot the one for the big tent. So Alyssa and I were standing under a tree and she thought of it.
“Let’s take Leo’s tarp…he’s gonna be pissy either way, so why should we be wet?”
So we drunkenly stumbled through the motions, laughing the whole time, but managed to take his tarp and put it over our tent before any of the initial rain soaked through our tent’s roof. It was an honest prank. I’d’ve laughed it was done to me. Leo took offense to it—what else was new? He’s the type of guy that can’t just let things go. He was probably still angry about the confederate flag.
After breakfast we took a bus down to the canoeing place. More than anything else I wanted to go ca-brewing on that trip. What could possibly be better than slowly meandering down a stream while getting boozed up? When we got there we decided to get two canoes and a kayak. Leo wanted to put three people in one of the canoes, which was just stupid. The kayak ended up being a great idea, because it kept Leo from whining in our ears for thirteen miles.
So we tipped his canoe, what’s the big deal? I have to take credit for that one. He was being a pest, Alyssa agreed, and so we snuck up behind their canoe and tipped them. It was the funniest thing I had seen in a long time. He got up screaming like a madman. He was cussing and flipping everyone off. Then he took the kayak from Alyssa. Just pushed her right out and took it. It was a little bit harsh, because I think she would’ve gladly given it to him had he asked. Anyway, we didn’t have to hear his crying for the rest of the ride, which was fine by me.
Just like Friday night around the fire, I ended up with Alyssa the whole time. She’s a riot. She told me all her and Leo’s little relationship. I could totally see why she dumped him. The guy did take everything too seriously. She said he was always worried about her cheating on him. She said that every time she went out without him he’d obsessively ask questions the following day. I wouldn’t want to date some girl who was paranoid every time I wasn’t by her side. Alyssa was a good girl. She wasn’t the messing around type—you could just tell. She was a fun girl who wanted to have a good time. That doesn’t mean she was out fooling around with all sorts of guys, and then lying about it.
We rowed and drank, joked and laughed, and really had a hell of a time. Then we found Mandy sitting on the banks of the river, crying. Smitty had tipped her out of the canoe for no reason, and left her. That kid really needed to stop drinking so much. He’d end up just like his old man if he didn’t. So we let Mandy ride in the middle, which was good for her because she didn’t have to do anything. It didn’t stop me and Alyssa, either. We kept on having fun—like Mandy wasn’t even there.

ALYSSA
Thank goodness Bengi was on that trip. I would’ve had a miserable time had he not been there. We sat around the fire Friday night and had a blast. Leo was in a bad mood, so we decided to bust his balls until he either flipped out or went to bed. Bengi won the bet. He said Leo’s only good for one meltdown a day, and that he’d just get frustrated and go to bed. I had seen multiple meltdown days from that kid, so I put my money on flipping out. Oh well, I owe Bengi dinner when we get home.
Around 4 AM it started raining, and Bengi and I started to worry. Smitty had forgotten his tarp for the big tent and we would be soaked in the morning if we didn’t do something. I have to give Bengi the credit. I want to say it was my idea, but he was the one who thought of it.
“Let’s just take Leo’s tarp…he’ll never wake up,” he said as we huddled under a tree.
So we fumbled around for a couple minutes and actually switched the tarp from his tent to our’s without him waking up. Then we crashed. I woke up on Saturday morning, kind of snuggled up to Bengi, and I heard Leo griping and muttering things. I woke Bengi up so he could hear, and I must say we got a pretty good morning chuckle out of it.
Breakfast was a fiasco. The frying pan Leo brought was a joke. There was no point in even using it, because the eggs and bacon stuck to it and wouldn’t come off unless you scraped them. So Bengi and I made hot dogs. He’s so hilarious. He must’ve lost three hot dogs off of his lousy little stick in a matter of one minute. He just kept putting them on, though. If it were Leo he probably would’ve thrown the whole fire pit into the river.
Then we went ca-brewing. It was so much fun. I had already gone ca-brewing once that summer. About three weeks before this trip. I had just got back from my family vacation and my best friend from high school asked me to go. That was a real drunken blast. I met this totally hot guy named…Kirk, I think. We had so much fun. He was so laid back. And hot. I think he’s what made me start thinking about breaking up with Leo. I still have his number. I should give him a call one of these days.
Sorry. Back to the story. I ended up getting a kayak for myself. Three people in a canoe isn’t a terribly bad idea. We did it three weeks ago and it was great because I didn’t have to do a lick of work. But then I thought about getting stuck in a canoe for fourteen miles with Leo, so I got the kayak.
I have to admit I had been thinking about tipping Leo’s canoe since we first left the campsite, but I knew I’d probably need help. I could hardly get the words out of my mouth when Bengi agreed.
“He’ll never suspect it,” he said. “Look at him, he’s a sitting duck.”
So we paddled up to him real quietly and tipped him. I kind of felt bad for Smitty because he was the innocent bystander. Leo looked like he was going to kill someone. He was shouting and swearing, telling little kids to go “f” themselves. It was hilarious. By far the funniest thing I had seen in a long time. All four of us just sat back and laughed as we watched him storm around—trying to hold the canoe with one hand while fishing for floating beers with the other. When he came my way I thought he was going to strangle me. He had a crazy look in his eyes. He walked up, grabbed my shoulders, and dunked me into the water. By the time I came up for air he was in the kayak floating away. What a crazy idiot. I think he should be hospitalized. I really do.
It ended up being a great idea of mine, because I wound up sharing a canoe with Bengi the entire time. We just drank, laughed, and forgot about Leo’s crazy antics. It was a blast. Halfway through the trip we saw Mandy crying on the side of the river. She said that Smitty had thrown her out of the canoe, nearly drowning her, and left like it was no big deal. I don’t know the kid that well, but he seems like a loon himself. I even joked with Bengi that when we get back we should send Smitty and Leo off to the mental ward together. It registered a pretty good chuckle. That’s what I liked about Bengi, he never took anything too seriously.